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1:1 with Admiral General Aladeen

Since you’re now a part of it, what do you think of the American film industry?
I love American films. Particularly their fantasy films, like The Lord of the Rings or Schindler’s List. There are differences between the Wadiyan [Aladeen is ruler of fictional country Wadiya] film industry and Hollywood. People say I am extravagant for using 20 million bottles of Fiji water every day to make snow for my ski resort in the middle of the desert, but am I the person who green-lit John Carter? I’m a purist. I don’t rely on CGI. If I need 10,000 villagers to be driven off a cliff, I make it happen.

You have slept with so many celebrities. Who is the one that got away?
They never get away. They try, but without their passports it is difficult. There is no escape from the desert. Within a couple of hours they shrivel up and look like a mug shot of Lindsay Lohan.

Which celebrity do you have the most in common with?
It has to be Mel Gibson. Recently in Wadiya we made him our public relations expert and we have made him the head of our Museum of Intolerance. I also have a lot in common with George Clooney. We are both champions of equality. In my country, women have the same rights as men – absolutely none. There is a shameful statistic that one in four women in Wadiya can read. I am trying to change that statistic and make it one in 100.

Megan Fox has a cameo in The Dictator and there are rumours you impregnated her. Is this correct?
Yes, there are rumors but this is literally impossible. It would be the first-ever anal conception.

You have had much sorrow in your life. Your mother died during childbirth. All six of your brothers died accidentally. How do you deal with these tragedies?
Yes, my mother died in childbirth from strangulation. My father died in a tragic hunting accident when he was hit accidentally by 97 stray bullets. He also had a terrible allergy to grenades. My uncle will also be dying in a helicopter crash later today. It will be very sad.

What do you say to critics who describe you as a tyrant?
I would say thank you. Could you please give me the names of these so-called critics and the routes they take to and from work? I would like to give them a magnetic gift that is placed underneath their car.

Is there anyone you do trust?
I have 25 female virgin guards who protect me at all times. I know they are virgins because I have their virginity checked every night by the head of my penis.

Would you consider yourself a more dangerous dictator than Adolf Hitler?
Wow. Sorry, I’m getting a little choked up. It is one thing to be called Hitler-esque, but to be in the same discussion as Hitler, I feel like I have finally made it.

The Dictator is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Sharni Vinson

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