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Luke Heggie

As this award-winning Aussie comedian embarks on his latest national stand-up tour, Lowbreed, this month, he sheds some light on his last day on Earth…

What can audiences expect from your upcoming shows?
Actual stand-up. I won’t be standing there crying, or attempting to change opinions, or repeatedly yelling the same tolerance mantras. I’m not unloading my problems on a group of people who just forked out their hard-earned. It’s just a bunch of stuff that’s annoyed me recently.

Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand-up gig or otherwise?
All the time. I’ve died so hard at some corporate gigs I thought they’d ask ME for money. I’ve had the boss of a company yank the microphone from my hand. I was dying so hard at one I could hear someone opening a packet of chips 50 metres away.

How do you want to leave this world?
After all my foes are dead and with at least one person in a headlock.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Absolutely not. I’m not telling anyone. The remains will eventually be found.

What’s your last meal?

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
Not really up to me, but Heaven. There are a lot of worse bastards out there than me, although you wouldn’t know that from reading the messages I receive from disgruntled TV viewers. Having said that, if you’re not allowed to be mean for fun in Heaven, I don’t think I’ll be allowed to stay.

What would you like to be reincarnated as?
A koala – no-one rouses on you for sleeping in.

What quality advice, will you take to the grave with you?
Don’t move a ladder while you’re on it.

What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
I’m compelled to say family in case this gets back to them, but one time I used my slingshot to deposit an egg through one of my enemy’s windows at a distance of over 40 metres. One in a million shot!

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
Go on a date. Yuck. F—kin’ nightmare.

What are your mates saying over your casket?
“I bags his cricket bat.”

What are your family saying over your casket?
“I want my suit back before he goes in that oven.”

What’s written on your tombstone?
Don’t touch my stuff.

Got any last words?
Probably, “Hey, dickheads! Watch this!”


For the full article grab the March 2020 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.

Paige Nicole Woolen

Karina Lege