You May Now Kiss The Bridesmaid
TYING THE NOT
For the single girl, attending a wedding can be a bummer. “It’s tough to watch two people commit for life and not think, ‘Why hasn’t anyone liked me enough to do that?’” says Bethany, 31. “It stokes the fires of insecurity, which makes you susceptible to come-ons.”
Sad, but also encouraging – as that insecurity plays in your favour. “I can’t believe the kinds of guys I’ve screwed at weddings,” reveals Petra, 29. “One was a catering waiter who looked like he’d just graduated from high school. I bummed a smoke from him outside the reception hall kitchen and we did it against the wall, next to a dumpster. There should be a clinical term for this, like ‘Temporary slut-sanity’.”
A less obvious cause for women’s wedding-based hormone surges is the desire to celebrate singleness. “Right as my best friend was promising to obey her husband for life, I started searching for a sympathetic eye to shoot a ‘Thank God that’s not us’ look,” says Alice, 28. “Everyone was glued on the bride and groom except for one of his co-workers. At the cocktail hour afterwards we laughed about our mutual fear of commitment then stole two bottles of bubbly and headed to his hotel.”
Temporary slut-sanity – this term is still yet to be approved by a governing psychiatric body – aside, it may take more than a fleeting look to get laid at a wedding, so kick off your scouting mission the moment an invitation appears in your mailbox. For one friend’s wedding, 31-year-old Kate scoped out the husband-to-be’s Facebook page. “I made a mental note of a cute guy who appeared in a lot of photos,” she explains. “I asked my friend to seat me at his table and that’s where I put the moves on him.”
Kate’s hardcore flirting was reciprocated and soon the sexual tension had them ditching the event. “Halfway through the night he pulled me into an empty ballroom for a make-out session that led to a night of unadulterated screwing.” Kate didn’t tell us if they made it back for cake.
KNOW YOUR CEREMONY
The odds of consummating someone else’s marriage depends on what kind of wedding it is. A good rule of thumb is that the further you travel, the shorter your route to sex. Since destination weddings are usually days long and held in a tropical paradise, the wedding group has a lot of time to get to know each other – often intimately.
“I went to a wedding at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico and it was like a drunken orgy,” says Cindy, 25. “I had sex with two guys from our group in the two nights we were there.”
There is another type of sexually charged ceremony that you should always attend if given the opportunity – the theme wedding. Whether it’s Star Wars or zombie-inspired, any woman who is willing to dress as Princess Leia or the walking dead for a formal occasion will likely be open-minded in the sack. “The weirdest and most awesome wedding I ever went to was Disney-themed – all the guests wore Mickey Mouse ears, and the wedding party was a mix of Prince Charmings and Cinderellas,” says Cheri, 25. “The fact that everyone was in costume gave it a naughty feel. I ended up in Prince Charming’s bed that night.”
MANAGE THE GUEST LIST
So who’s your best bet for post-nuptial nookie? Bridesmaids can be a difficult get, since they’re usually spending all their time with the wedding party. So aim lower on the guest hierarchy. Gloria, 27, was the dreaded “guest-book attendant” at her cousin’s wedding. “I had to stand outside the ballroom and ask people to sign the thing,” she says. “But I felt somewhat redeemed when a cute guy ditched the hors d’oeuvres to hang out with me. When my duties were over, I took him to my car, where we smoked a joint and fooled around in the backseat.”
Whatever – or whomever – you do, don’t mess around with a relative of the bride or groom. If you break her heart, you could break your friendship. Same goes for the bride’s BFFs. They’re girls you’re likely to see again, ensuring an awkward aftermath.
“I let my friend’s husband’s best buddy tie me up and spank me after their reception,” says Sarah, 31. “A week later he moved a block from the happy couple, so then every time they invited me over, there he was. We were both so uncomfortable that we stopped seeing our friends.”
The easiest way to make women flock to you is simply to act like you’re having the time of your life. That means getting your arse out on the dancefloor. Another lady-luring tradition? The wedding toast, which, when done well, combines all the qualities that make women melt – confidence (speaking in public), sensitivity (expressing your feelings) and sense of humor (making jokes). Just be smart – no cracks about the groom’s legendary porn collection.
If you do end up meeting that special woman, popping the question can be as simple as asking, “Do you want to take a walk?” It worked on Liz, 32, while she was dancing with a guy at a wedding in Perth. They strolled along the beach, made out, then went back to his place to celebrate the bonds of holy mattress-moaning.