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Ron Burgundy

The crisp winter air. A Salvation Army Santa. Massive credit card debt. Yes, Christmas is upon us! People always ask me, “How do you give the right gift?” So here are the best gifts I’ve ever received. Happy holidays. And by “holiday” I mean Merry Christmas to people of all beliefs: Jews, people who worship Zeus, and libertarians.

A Flamethrower
In 1981 I celebrated Christmas morning on a fan boat in the Everglades with Lee Majors, Mac Davis, and Adrienne Barbeau. We were all carrying .45-calibre sidearms and hunting snapping turtles. It was around 8:30am when a shirtless Lee Majors, his eyes crazed from cough syrup, patted me on the back and said, “Merry Christmas, Ron, merry Christmas.” He then slid a metal case over to me that contained an A93 military-grade flamethrower. That night I had the greatest Christmas of my life when I unleashed my gift on a parked UPS [delivery] truck full of undelivered Christmas presents.

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