Our resident Sexpert gives us her no-nonsense take on office sex…
Can I sleep with my boss? Can I sleep with my co-worker? Or, do I need to update my resume? These are the questions that fixate themselves in people’s minds as they walk robotically back and forth to the office water-cooler. Let’s face it, work can be monotonous, tedious… and so on. Having sex at work is one’s only retort.
GRINDING WHILST GRINDING
They call it ‘the grind’ for a reason – because every day it grinds against you. Before you leave this world, why not seek some stress-relief at work through sex? Science tells us that regular f–king increases our lifespan. Who knows, a weekly work-shag could help you score a century in years to… er… cum.
Office sex is appealing because it’s dangerous. You’re risking your job and possibly your reputation. Sexperts the world over agree that forbidden sex equates to super-hot sex, but who needs an incentive? Like, really?
BANGING THE BOSS
There is zero shame in banging the boss. Metaphorically, bosses have been f–king over workers for years. How about some reverse psychology? How about a pay rise? How about a few extra minutes for lunch? Bonking the boss = PERKS. Comprende?
The best feature of office sex is the desk. My god, it has so many variables. I can see a tie coming off and perhaps being used for someone’s wrists. I can see oral sex on the swivel chair. I can see documents flying everywhere. I would’ve made a great secretary with my skill-set… I must remember to update my CV!
COPULATING A CO-WORKER
There’s always that co-worker that you’d like to have sexual intercourse with. A hint of cleavage or a flash of booty can send one’s thoughts into overdrive. The denial of feelings is the denial of life – just ask Buddha. I suggest, if the mutual opportunity presents itself, you f–k your co-worker whenever and however you can. Do it for the team. Do it for the workers and bosses that want do it but don’t. F–k it, just do it for me!
BY VANESSA DE LARGIE
Vanessa de Largie is an Australian actress, sex columnist and freelance journalist based in London
For the full article grab the June 2019 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.