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Fiona I’Loughlin

24 HOURS TO LIVE

One of Australia’s funniest females, and winner of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Season 4, discusses her last day on Earth…

Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand-up gig?
Comedians all die in the beginning. To make something look as effortless, as professional, stand-up actually takes years of effort. Unless you’re Ronny Chieng – seriously, I have never seen a young comic master his craft so quickly. It’s interesting. I don’t know the exact why or wherefores, but the generation of young comics compared to mine do not muck around. They are brilliant. 

How do you want to leave this world?
Quite quickly.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Absolutely, but since I’m still in relatively good health now’s not the time to share them. 

What’s your last meal?
My last meal would be “caught in my throat” for obvious reasons.  

What did you know now that you didn’t at 18?
That everyone has a backstory. We can only tread our own path. No-one can know what pain others carry. 

To whom on Earth do you owe an apology?
Um… literally hundreds of people who paid good money on the nights I was drunk onstage. I’m thinking of doing a “making amends” tour. If nothing else, I’ll earn some very good frequent flyer points. 

What quality advice will you take to the grave with you?
I believe that nine times out of 10 you will regret the things you don’t do rather than the things you did. Go to that funeral. Go to that graduation. Celebrate that 80th. And one of my Grandmother’s best lines was, “No news is no news”. She was the best. 


Besides family, what’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
Learning to listen – truly listen. 

What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
I simply can’t narrow this down, but driving my new car to my country town police station to get my driver’s license is right up there. 

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
Jump out of anything in the air.

Which of the seven deadly sins gave you the most trouble?
Oh trust me – I have the full set. 

What are your friends saying over your casket?
“Wow! What a beautiful diamond encrusted solid gold coffin she’s in.” I’ve also told my kids to send Joel Creasy the bill. 

What or who would you like to be reincarnated as?
Cal Wilson’s [Kiwi comedian] cat. Hands down. 

What’s written on your tombstone?
“Here lies the only woman who truly understood Mark Bouris.” 

What can audiences expect from your stand-up shows?
Comedians all play different instruments. My instrument is storytelling – the stories in this show, let’s just say, have been a long time coming. 

Got any last words?
Come see my show!

Fiona O’Loughlin is performing her show, Addresses the Nation, at the 15th annual Sydney Comedy Festival, which runs from April 22 to May 19. For more info and tickets go to www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au

For the full article grab the May 2019 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.

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