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Ross Noble

24 HOURS TO LIVE

The Pommy stand-up comedian and actor takes us through his final day on Earth…

Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand-up gig?
When you first start stand-up it happens all the time. It’s because you are terrible but also because you have to play some rough gigs. I once did a party in a farmer’s barn and the stage was a hay loft. As it got dark bats flew past my head – it was like being heckled by vampires! 

How do you want to leave this world? 
During lovemaking or a funfair-related misadventure. 

Do you have any deathbed confessions? 
I used to sell death beds relabelled as sun beds. 

What’s your last meal?
Bananas served by an aggressive monkey who flies into a jealous rage and kills me. 

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
I think those concepts were dreamt up by religions to make people do as they are told. The whole thing is a scam. 

So, what do you say to God or the Devil wherever you end up?
Oh, bollocks, I was sure this was a scam. 

Which legendary people will you hang out with in the afterlife? 
Jesus. I’d say to him, “I love what you have done with the place”. 

What’s the greatest Ross Noble body of work that never saw the light of day? 
My sand sculpture of Ray Martin fighting a pig. It never saw the light of day because the sea came in. 

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
Building that bunker in preparation for the Y2K bug 

What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
Eating dodgy seafood in Thailand. 

To whom on Earth do you owe an apology?
Anyone who swam in that pool in Thailand – they know why! 

What quality advice will you take to the grave with you? 
Standing on the edges of graves can be hazardous. 

What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth? 
I once got a massive bean bag chair into a loft room up a ladder through a very small hatch.

What are your friends saying over your casket? 
“Let’s have a game of casketball! First one to get a ping pong ball to land in his mouth can have his watch.” 

What’s written on your tombstone? 
An arrow and the words “You must be this tall to grieve”. 

Got any last words? 
Relax, it’s only a rhinoceros. Watch this…

Finally, what can audiences expect from your upcoming stand up shows in Sydney?
Non-stop laughs with excellent transport links located within easy distance of The Harbour Bridge and Opera House.

Ross Noble is performing at the 15th annual Sydney Comedy Festival on May 9, 10 and 11. For tickets go to www.sydneycomedyfest.com.au

INTERVIEW BY SANTI PINTADO

For the full article grab the March 2019 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.

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Beth Hurrell

Virtual VS Real-Life