Osher Günsberg

The host of reality TV shows The Bachelor Australia, The Bachelorette Australia and Bachelor in Paradise Australia discusses his final day on Earth…

How do you want to leave this world?
Surrounded by friends and family, a few moments after drinking a deliciously warm Soy Matcha Latte laced with Nembutal. Because when it comes to dying, I want to do it with dignity and on my own terms.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Nothing that my various shrinks over the years haven’t already heard about.

What’s your last meal?
My wife Audrey’s glorious roast tempeh and pumpkin salad. The pumpkin is perfectly firm yet yields to mush when bitten, and the tempeh is spiced with just enough kick to let you know that she made it with love.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
Neither. Just like when I look in the mirror, I’m looking at a bunch of atoms that were once air, water and food. When I die I’ll just be a bunch of molecules, and the bonds of those molecules will eventually degrade and the atoms that were me will become something else in this world. If that’s not a glorious display of the symphonic beauty of the universe and the oneness that binds us all to each other and all things, I don’t know what is. If I’m completely wrong and I end up face-to-face with God, I’ll thank her for the ride and ask if there’s anyone that needs a good haunting.

Which legendary people will you hang out with in the afterlife?
Obviously, I’d go straight to Prince’s club and get a booth near the front of the after-show set. I’d say, “Thanks for the soundtrack to my life and I’m grateful it will also be the soundtrack to my death.”

What’s the greatest Osher Günsberg work that never saw the light of day?
In the mid-’90s I played fretless bass in Feeble’s Junky — the greatest funk-metal band that never was. We were in the wider orbit of the Brisbane band scene that birthed Powderfinger and Regurgitator. We played contrapuntal funk-metal in 7/8 time, the pretty girls danced and we had an enormous amount of fun. Just when we reached peak powers, silverchair exploded and the flavour of what we were doing wasn’t the flavour anymore. Timing is everything. Even 5/4 timing.

To whom do you owe an apology?
Thankfully through getting sober I’ve already done some of that work, but because I am not perfect and try to keep my side of the street clean there’s always more amends to be made. Probably whoever is reading this.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever did while you were living?
Not listen when in my early 20’s. People who loved me tried to warn me about how my drinking was affecting myself and others. It would take until I was 36 to finally see what they were concerned about.

Do they watch The Bachelor/The Bachelorette in Heaven or Hell?
Absolutely. They have an office sweep. But I wouldn’t trust an omnipotent deity not to cook the books and lay some side bets on the iPhone because after all they’ll know who wins.

What are your mates saying over your casket at your funeral?
They’ll be trying to get the numbers to play a poker game.

What are your family saying?
“Which one of his names will we put on the headstone?”

What are former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants saying?
“I’m sorry, Osher, you didn’t receive any more life.” Then I’ll take a moment and say my goodbyes.

Got any final words?
I hope I left it better than I found it. ■


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Jade Lagardère

Morgan Motor Company