He doesn’t care whether you love him or hate him, but he does wish the media would get their act together.
W ho out there doesn’t like me? I’m on one of the highest-rating shows on TV and I host the highest-rating FM breakfast radio program in the country. Seriously, who hates me? I’d say it’s all the old f–kwits working at the ABC and people who love Spicks And Specks. But I don’t care about them. They’re not and are never going to be my audience – and I only cater to people who like what I do.
To tell you the truth, I don’t give a f–k whether people like me or not. I never really think about it because it’s not in my face. No-one comes up to me in the street and starts mouthing off. The haters are fat freckly losers who sit at home on their keyboards punching out hate on the internet because they have nothing better to do. The most common things I hear from people I meet are, “You’re much nicer than I thought,” or, “You’re taller than I thought.”
I think most people expect this Danny DeVito-type character who’s going to walk up to them and spit venom. I don’t get around town criticising people’s weight or their outfits. That’s what I do for a job.
Away from work, I’m quiet. I rarely go out. But I don’t really like being by myself. I was going to say the only time I do is when I’m sleeping but that’s not the case, either.
Another thing you should know is that I don’t have a housekeeper because I think I’m the shit. It’s because I’ll be f—ked if I’m going to spend the four hours I put aside every day to sleep, vacuuming. I have a driver, too, but that’s because I’m a bit vague and don’t really know my way around. And because I keep losing my licence thanks to the highway patrol. I don’t try and talk my way out of a ticket – if they get me, they get me. I do love to open it up a little bit.
I really need to be constantly entertained and challenged. I throw a lot of time into work and making sure my company goes well. I run it and I’m in charge of everything – I don’t work for anyone. I like to employ the best people, so they can help make my ridiculous fantasies can come true.
For example, I’ve got a movie in production. It’s a US story that’ll be fully filmed and produced over there. If I do something, I do it properly, so it’s not gonna be some shitty, straight-to-DVD number.
My cousin, who lives in Brisbane and is a bank manager, has a completely different perspective to me. He’s happily married with kids and has a good job. I would hate that but he loves it. Maybe I’m just a greedy, gluttonous, mid-life crisis, Ferrari-driving lunatic. All of the evidence suggests I’m in a mid-life crisis. But it doesn’t feel like a crisis. It feels fun. And it can’t be a mid-life thing because I’ve always been like this. It’s a life-long crisis.
I’m very aware of what people write and say about me, but the media’s opinion doesn’t necessarily reflect what the community thinks. Like, if you read [Sydney newspaper] the Daily Telegraph, you’ll see that I’m evil and that [radio announcer] Merrick Watts is wonderful.
The media is like this: Say your mate goes down to the shop to buy a sausage roll. Maybe the guy serving him acts like an arsehole because he’s having an off day. Your mate will come back and say, “That guy down at the bakery is a wanker.” If you don’t know that guy, your opinion now is that he’s a wanker.
People who’ve never met me or don’t know me will form their opinions based on what they’re exposed to – and that’s usually media bullshit.
I do notice if Woman’s Day says that I’m having a weight crisis – and, let’s face it, there have been times when I’ve thought “Boy, you are a chunky little motherf–ker” – but I don’t lay in the foetal position and cry over it.
While we’re on the topic, I don’t eat junk food. It’s the fluids that kill me – the lattes and Coca Cola. I need them to keep me awake. I smoke one-milligram Dunhill’s – girly smokes – but I go through a pack a day.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t drink alcohol. There’s no time to get pissed, really. I’ve read in the paper that I’ve been seen downing shooters. I might have a sip of champagne at a celebration but other than that I haven’t had a drink since I was 20. That’s half my life. The paper says I’m getting blotto, though. Sometimes I laugh about what they write and sometimes they’re actually spot-on.
When a story gets made up, twisted or spun it’s always a bit annoying and that pisses me off. The media shouldn’t be able to do that. There are no repercussions, either. My grandma will sit down and watch the bloody news on Channel Nine and think every word is truth. She’ll read the Courier Mail and think that’s entirely factual. But it’s often just shit and biased opinion.
At the end of the day, I know about everyone’s skeletons. I know who’s f—king who and, for some weird reason, I’ve become the keeper of the industry’s filthy secrets. So when things in the media get really out of control, that’s when I make a call and say, “Look, unless you want me to go and tell everyone this or that, you’d better shut your f—kin’ mouth. You’ve had your fun but it’s over now.” That’s when they shit themselves. But it rarely gets that far.
I have personal rivalries. But I’ve never thrown the first punch. Rove, Adam Spencer, Adam Hills, Merrick Watts – I hate all those cocks who think they’re the shit and who make fun of people, then hide behind the “comedy” thing – like, “Hey, I’m just a comedian!” But as soon as someone spits something back at them – and it’s usually me – they’re all up in arms. “Oh! Kyle threatened to punch me in the throat!”
F–kin’ oath I did! I believe in sticking up for yourself. Especially against pissant, one-footed, smartarse clowns who hide behind their jokes and think that they’re awesome.
When you have a chat with those arseholes face-to-face about something they’ve said, they’ll be like, “Aw mate, that was wrong. I thought about it afterwards and I shouldn’t have said that.” Then two weeks later they’re on another show talking themselves up like a big hero.
Basically, I don’t suffer fools. And I’m a big fan of sticks and stones. So if you want to have a go at me or my family and friends, I will stand up and spit in your face. Might be right, might be wrong – some people might think that’s not the way to handle things, but that’s just who I am.
Next month in Kyle’s exclusive MAXIM column: Women, dating and his polygamy dream.
Next month in Kyle’s exclusive MAXIM column: Women, dating and his polygamy dream.
