Alt porn mostly consists of small-breasted girls with tattoos looking miserable in a studio apartment. More notable practitioners include Eon McKai, the director behind Art School Sluts. They all get effed.
Dirty talk for alt fans: “Fill the cold void of my emotions with your darkness.”
Acrotomophilia or “stump-pulling” amputee porn scenarios involve a person with one or more missing limbs in otherwise standard sex.
Deep thought: “That ancient question — What is the sound of one hand clapping? — was answered at the annual amputee-porn awards ceremony.”
Based on the perfectly acceptable premise that, yes, Sigourney Weaver actually did look hotter as a blue, talking
cat, Avatar porn encourages its fans to imagine a better, penis-haired world.
Hot tip: Blue-ing yourself is a lot more fun with a friend!
Cartoon porn generally refers to copyright- violating images of popular animated characters depicted
in acts of hardcore violation.
Childhood toons we’d rather not see violated: Care Bears, 101 Dalmatians (OK, we kind of do want to see that violated).
The gratuitous use of CGI death and destruction, designed to titillate the viewer under the pretense of showing something meaningful. (See also: Roland Emmerich, the movies of.)
Hot video: Footage of the BP oil leak gushing into the Gulf had more than one disaster-porn fan gushing in his Bonds.
The presentation of high-kilojoule foods as a substitute for sex. Or the depiction of food during coitus, either as a lubricant (e.g. butter, chocolate, a jar of mayo) or a penetrative item (eg: cucumbers, bananas,
a jar of mayo).
Surprisingly unsexy foods: Passion fruit, lobster bisque, wasabi peas, haggis.
“Furnies” get off on stacking furniture in compromising positions and taking pictures of their handiwork. There’s chair-on-chair, chair-on-desk, desk- on-desk, and even bondage.
Dinner party greeting: “No, don’t sit there. There, either. You don’t gag your credenzas? But they’re so naughty.”
“Furries” get sexually aroused by wearing animal costumes; they romp with their critter-suited pals at “confurences” and sometimes have sex in their fuzzy getups. Think of that the next time you rent a Winnie the Pooh costume.
eharmony profile: “Man in giant squirrel suit seeks fellow woodland creature to share nuts with.”
Better known as macrophiles, giantess guys are lovers of large (like, statue large) ladies and the cities they crush. Their Debbie Does Dallas-es are sci-fi flicks such as Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Imagine being that chick’s gyno.
Common sexual injuries: Neck strain, crushed pelvic bone, dislocated jaw, Goliath herpes.
The fetishistic treatment of guns in a manner normally reserved for female porn stars – including, but not limited to, stripping them, oiling them, and inexpertly handling them in a way that might cause them to go off in your face.
chat room talk: “Be right back, just fapping to the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.”
Sometimes you need to take a ticket to Tinytown. Bridget the Midget (above) is one of the industry’s biggest little stars, and there’s a small army of male midget studs whose appearance in any gangbang is sure to make it extra disturbing.
Say to an adult-video clerk: “Do you guys sell lactating midget blow-bang vids? No, not that one!”
Long a favourite trope of the adult film industry, X-rated remakes of classic TV shows have exploded of late. Recent hits include Jersey Shore XXX, The Erotic Adventures of Dickman & Throbbin, and Celebrity Apprentass.
Example of parody porn we don’t want to see: The Golden Girls: Wrinkled and Ready.
pumping Combining every man’s love of muscle cars and… shoes, pedal pumpers get their clients off by seductively depressing the gas of a slick ride. The model may struggle with a flooded engine or a sticky gearshift if it gets really kinky.
Famous practitioner: Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.
play Pony play involves wearing vinyl horse costumes, hooves, bit bridles, harnesses, and saddles, and playing “horsey” while riding your partner around.
Excuse if you get caught wearing a horsetail butt plug: “I must have accidentally sat on it on the bus this morning, honey!”
If you’ve ever fantasised about having a three-way with C-3PO and R2-D2 – and, really, who amongst us hasn’t? – plug into this fetish.
The must-have lube: WD-40. It’s great for oiling the joints on your Lost in Space robot and can be used in lieu of hand lotion to pleasure yourself before its steely visage.
An important ingredient of a daily cubicle diet. Examples include paparazzi pics of bikini-clad starlets on sites like Egotastic! Thank you, digital age!
Acceptable work e-mail: “Forget about closing the Johnson account – check out these smokin’ hot pics of Bar Refaeli building a sand castle!”
YouTube features 520,000-plus “haul videos”, which show women in their bedrooms fresh off shopping sprees, dumping bangles and clothes on their beds. Some have in excess of one million views. Jeezus.
Actual YouTube comment (we aren’t making this up): “Make a vid about feet care.”
Gorno is often used to describe the fetishisation of extreme violence, bloody viscera, and guttural screaming that can be found in the Saw and multiple Eli Roth movies.
Gorno thought process: “It’s like that belt sander is my penis, and that guy’s bound head is like something to roughly buff with my penis.”
Giving new meaning to “getting wood” is the bizarre subset of arborphilia, a sexual attraction to the sexy stumps, thick trunks, seductive bark openings, and beckoning branches of our root buddies.
Tips for arborphiles: Before banging a stump, wrap your willy in a leaf so termites don’t crawl in your D-hole.
The Whorecraft porn series that features elf-eared maidens copulating with dwarf warriors was forced to rename itself WhoreLore when Warcraft publisher Blizzard applied legal pressure in 2009. Nerds!
Sample dialogue: “Hail, fair maiden! Did’st thou call for a barbarian to repaireth thy aqueduct?”
WORDS BY Nick Leftley