In America, you’ve become famous for your anti-gun routine. Ever had any death threats?
It has made my life a little scarier. I feel more in danger because people are shooting up theatres and my show wouldn’t be a bad place to do that. Now everyone who comes into my shows in the US is checked with a metal detector. It’s both exciting and scary. But yeah, I had a death threat in Texas, so we booked police to be at the theatre. I’m sitting in my dressing room and the cops are there being briefed when one goes, “Sarge, what are we here for?” Sarge replies, “Well, this particular comedian has been getting a lot of death threats, so we’re here to protect the audience and the comedian.” Cop one then asks, “Why is he getting death threats?” Sarge: “Well, he does a routine on gun control.” To which the other cop says, “Maybe he can learn to shut his f—king mouth.” That’s the guy I’m paying to protect me.
So, how do you want to die?
Ironically, probably a gun wound to the head. Quick and simple. I know what you’re asking; being blown by a porn star on a private jet that then crashes into a mountain. No, I don’t even want to know it’s coming.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
I’ll take them to grave, f—k ya!
What’s your last meal?
Some seafood sauce and two kilos of Australian prawns — not American prawns, they are f—king shit. Oh, and some plain white Sunblest bread to make sandwiches. I could do that all day.
Are you going to Heaven or Hell and why?
Do 50 percent of people go to Heaven and 50 percent go to Hell or do just the good people go to Heaven? Because if only the good people go to Heaven then I’m not making it, but I think I’m better than half the world.
What do you say to God when you get there?
“I’m sorry about all the jokes, mate, I was wrong.”
Which legendary people do you want to hang out with in the afterlife?
I’d like to go drinking with John Lennon. I think he’d be a good guy to hang out and talk shit with. I like people who have good intentions and believe in love, but are still flawed and are still bastards, because people aren’t one thing or the other.
To whom on Earth do you owe an apology and why?
Most of the people I’ve f—ked over, or been mean to, in my life I’ve apologised to.
What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
There’s the simple answer, which is my son. Anyone can achieve that — you just leave it in. But it still might be my greatest achievement.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever did?
That’d be up there with my greatest achievement — leaving it in.
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
Open Mic spots. I used to hate doing them. You hang around the bar saying, “Please let me on, I’ll be ever so good!” Then you get on and half the audience wants you to fail.
What are your mates saying over your coffin?
“Should we go to the bar?”
What’s written on your headstone?
“This was completely unnecessary, he was cremated.”
Got any last words?
I’d say to my girlfriend, “It was fun, here’s the password to my bank account.” I recently made a will and I realised most of those people would have an easier life if I was dead. ■
INTERVIEW BY SCOTT KEENAN
For the full article grab the May 2016 issue of MAXIM Australia.
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