Hi, Effie.
Good thanks.

Congratulations on your recent tour. We especially enjoyed the title.
Well, there is nothing but truth in the title I’ll have you know, so don’t bring any cynicism to this. Even though I’ve had a child, the cherry is still intact if you know what I’m saying.

Loud and clear, but we’re here to talk death and your last day in this world. So, how do you want to go?

Alive. I don’t know how, but if they can get planes in the sky surely they can work something out.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

Yes, I have $250,000 cash buried in the backyard. It’s for emergency situations and it’s certainly NOT for the tax department.

What’s your last meal?

I would definitely have to have a big, fat, steaming slab of moussaksa, which is our version of lasagne but better.

What will you be taking to the grave with you?
My pillow full of cash, just in case it makes any difference upstairs. You never know who you might have to payoff up there.

So, you’re definitely going to Heaven?
I’m 100% going to Heaven. God is my bestie. Obviously I’ve been blessed on multiple levels from looks to career to having an immaculately-conceived child – my daughter Aphie. I don’t want to point out the obvious, but God has clearly put a lot of effort into me.

What do you say to God when you get there?

God, hello. Good thanks.

Which legendary famous people are you eager to hang out with in the afterlife?
It’s gotta be Elvis, Michael Jackson, David Bowie and Anthony Quinn who is as close to a Greek as a Mexican can get. When I see these men I’ll tell them, “I’m here now, guys. I complete youse.”

What’s the funniest Effie joke that never made it to stage or screen?
I’ve never been a withholder. It’s all out there, it’s a beauty, it’s a curse and youse are very lucky you’re not cursed.

To whom on Earth do you owe an apology and why?
The ozone layer for my over usage and addiction to hairspray – especially during the ’80s. I do feel like I was a contributor to this massive problem we have with the environment now.

What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
Definitely my daughter Aphie and my Logie award.

Where do you keep your Logie?
Well I’m not sitting on it if that’s what you’re implying. It’s in a safe.

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
Oh, look, how do I put this delicately… breaking through, if you know what I’m saying.

Er… yes. Describe your funeral.
It would be EPIC. Like a Vegas show I would hope. And it would be to my taste and my aesthetics. I don’t want one of these low-key situations – it wouldn’t be a state funeral, it would be a national funeral. And I don’t want them celebrating, I want them bawling their eyes out.

What are your family saying over your casket?
Well, I can imagine they’d be screaming, “Why? Why? Why?” then they’d be saying, “Now how are we going to get into the Logies?”

How are your friends reacting to your death?

They’d just be spewing because they’ll miss getting all the free stuff. I give them all the stuff I don’t want – I’m not a martyr!

What’s written on your tombstone?

“Here lies a legend, megastar, cultural icon, boofhead like no other.”

Got any last words?

Goodbye, good thanks. ■

For the full article grab the April 2016 issue of MAXIM Australia.

To grab a digital copy CLICK HERE. All past issues available for download.

To subscribe CLICK HERE. Australian residents only.

iPad Application also available. CLICK HERE. All past issues available for download.

Before You Go Down On Her

From the Digital Universe To Reality