What are you thinking about right now?
Do squirrels poop? I see like a thousand squirrels a day, but I ain’t never seen squirrel poop. Birds poop all the time, obviously, but why not squirrels? Huh? Little glimpse into this beautiful mind up here.
What do you love and hate about your job?
Love the smell of the receptionist’s hair. Hate having to keep talking to HR about it.
What’s been the most embarrassing moment in your life SO FAR?
I have two: Once, in elementary school, I called the teacher “Mom”, and then last week when I called both Joe and Quagmire “Mom”, like, back-to-back.
What was your first car?
It was a cement truck. The stupid driver left the keys in the ignition when he got out to pour the cement. Sucker!
Do you think any of your past or present work has EVER been under-appreciated?
I did an off-Broadway one-man production of Fiddler On the Roof once. I dunno whose house it was at but they called the cops before I could finish.
What was the last thing you had to apologise for AND WHY?
Shoving a magazine interviewer because I thought they were an undercover cop. Sorry again, by the way.
What have you learned about women over the years, PETER?
There’s no reasoning with ’em. You try to make a rational argument and they just keep yelling, “Blah, blah, blah, why’s the baby drunk?!”
What’s your favourite curse word?
“Semerkhet” because it unleashes the curse of the Pharoahs onto anyone who reads it quietly to themselves in a magazine.
What can we get you at the bar to drink?
How about a cup of that juice from the pickled egg jar?
What is the worst hangover you’ve had?
Oh, I never get hangovers. See, you only get a hangover when you stop drinking, so I’ve just been on a steady, controlled bender for the last 20 years or so.
Do you have a scar that tells a story?
Yes, the story is “thought it would be funny to pinch the police horse’s butt.”
When do you feel sexy?
Never. I’m a guy. I thought you were supposed to be a magazine for dudes!
Thought we would throw it in there and try our luck. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
Almond butter. Forgot to stir it, hated it, threw it out immediately. Or $10,000 scratch and sniff lottery tickets. Biggest waste. They all just smelled like paper.
Do you have a party trick you can share with us?
Yes, it’s called “Try On The Lady Who Lives There’s Underpants Without Getting Caught’.
What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put inside your mouth?
An entire trout. I wanted to pull it back out of my mouth and all its bones, like a cartoon cat would do, but instead Lois had to take me to the hospital.
What must you always remember in a fight?
First: always try to calmly talk your way out of any altercation. Second: bite their nose very hard, ’cause no one expects it while you’re calmly talking your way out of the altercation. Or if you pee yourself, it’s probably going on YouTube.
Who was the last person to see you naked?
All of my Instagram followers. By the way, if Instagram bans you, you can just get a new email address and get right back to uploading tasteful butt shots.
Finish this sentence: If I ruled the world for a day, I would…
probably do a bad job.
For the full article grab the January 2016 issue of MAXIM Australia.
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