Daniel Steiner and Santi Pintado skip a typical LA trip for a six-day discovery mission of eating and drinking their way through weho before trying to recover in nearby Santa Monica – on someone else’s dime, of course!
For two blue-collar kids from Sydney who grew up to become two azure-collar blokes in the much-revered men’s MAG industry, being picked up in a town car from LAX (LOS ANGELES International Airport), WHERE OUR DRIVER PATIENTLY WAITS OVER AN HOUR FOR US (ALL THE WHILE holding an iPad with Santi’s name on it!), is a sure sign you’ve finally made it…
DAY ONE
A SKYBAR, A PINK TACO OR TWO, AND ONE UGLY SUNSET STRIP MISHAP
HOTEL CALIFORNIA
Upon entering our room at the Mondrian Los Angeles Hotel on Sunset Boulevard, West Hollywood, the first thing we realise is it’s way too sophisticated to have sex in (disclaimer: we’ve only seen sexual intercourse performed in adult films but we imagine it’s rather messy). There’s a plush, nicely appointed couch, a big, swivelling mirror containing the TV, and enough room for a Hollywood after party. And then you’ve got Skybar; sweet, sweet Skybar. It’s heaven on Earth. We could write an essay about this place alone. Teak and foliage, day beds, trees in giant novelty pots, spicy Bloody Marys and hot, VERY HOT patrons – oh, you know God made them. It averages around 300C in the three days we’re in West Hollywood (or WeHo as the locals call it) so a lot of time is spent poolside, and it’s a religious experience. Tip: when not in the pool sit at the shaded table, near the water cooler, as bikini-clad hotties hang here regularly to rehydrate and, much to our disbelie
f, you can engage them in conversation… with ease.
CHILLI CON CARNAGE
Dinner is a short stroll (who says you need a car to get around LA?) to hip Mexican restaurant Pink Taco, where it’s hard not to notice the illuminated charms of Body Shop – a strip club located very close to the Mondrian (more on this later) and which celebrities often frequent – yes, we’re looking at you, DiCaprio. Pink Taco has similarly alluring signage and, with its large portions and flavour orgy, supplemented by top-shelf tequila and the most beautiful waitresses in the history of the foodservice industry, it’s hard to beat this place.
VOM ENCHANTED EVENING
Pearl’s Liquor Bar, a few doors down on Sunset Boulevard, is where the next few shots, and an array of dance floor atrocities, occur. In a vile turn of events, at 1am Santi and his drunk gut decide to greet (see: shock) the late-night al fresco diners by puking thrice – before collapsing arse-first onto his muddy puddle. This puts an end to our planned bar crawl to cool WeHo bars like The Den, Tower Bar, and Saddle Ranch, but if you’ve ever wondered why lockout was introduced (venues in LA close at 2am), wonder no more.
DAY TWO
HOLLYWOOD HIKING, MORE DRINKING, AND A STRIPPER’S STILETTO TO THE FOREHEAD
TAKE A WALK, BUDDY
Best we skip straight to the arvo and not even try to explain our hideous, head-caving-in morning where we’re unable to form a sentence until noon. Anyway… Griffith J. Griffith, known for a fortune amassed from his mining expertise and the non-fatal shooting of his wife, donated what is now known as Griffith Park to the city of Los Angeles in 1896. Today, we take a brilliant guided hike through it with Bill Miltenberger, one of the owners of Bikes & Hikes LA. Over the next three hours, in the glorious California sun, we stroll past Griffith Observatory and up the Hollywood Hills, with aptly cinematic views of LA the entire time. Sure it’s awesome, but smarter men would suggest coming here for a picturesque picnic with a Skybar hottie. Instead, we only have a small MAXIM crew and an even smaller rattlesnake to keep us company. How romantic!
If you like your martini hot and sour our dinner destination, Chi Lin, is the place for you. Other things that put this fusion of ancient China and modern LA in our good books: the Peking Duck, Scallion Pancakes with Braised Short Rib, and Hong Kong Pineapple Rice. Our taste buds still get boners whenever they think about these dishes.
INEVITABLE BODY SHOP VISIT
Like its neighbours The Roxy, The Viper Room, and Whisky a Go Go, Rainbow Bar & Grill is an LA institution. Decades back it was where big rock names such as Led Zeppelin, Alice Cooper, Lemmy, and John Lennon rendezvoused with groupies. We soak up the history as our livers soak up a few JD and Cokes. We attempt to kick-on to The Roxy but soon find out 1am is no time to try to get into WeHo bars. Instead, we grab a few bottles of rum from the nearest liquor store and down them back at our hotel. Two hours later we’re walking to a strip club. Hey, Body Shop! Told you we’d be back, but wish you’d mentioned all-nude strip clubs in LA don’t sell liquor! Lucky for you we’re hammered. We order water from the sexy waitress, stare at the procession of fake boobies, and pay way too much for a private show which ends with one of us bleeding from the forehead…
DAY THREE
ONE HUNGOVER BRUNCH, BUZZ BUTTONS, AND THE HILARIOUS HUSTLER STORE
SCARS AND STRIPES
It’s a telltale sign of a great night when you awake with a stiletto imprint in the middle of your head. When Santi ambles into Aussie-owned Eveleigh (a café with good vibes, priding itself on fresh produce) he sports such a mark. It’s like the hedonist’s version of Harry Potter’s scar – if only the wizard could encounter a stripper’s backflip move and ensuing “accidental” stiletto to the face! After a lovely brunch, this powerful scar leads us on a quick walk to Hustler Hollywood. If you like porn and dildos and T-shirts bragging about the size of your genitals, visit here. No photos, apparently, but how could we not take a pic with the Pipedream Extreme? Google it.
FEEL THE BUZZ
The Hudson refers to itself as: “Your new neighbourhood watering hole.” Fair call. It’s twilight on a Sunday and this bar is apt for a sesh involving numerous, very hoppy IPAs. In our case, the many beers and mojitos are a prelude to our dinner at nearby Laurel Hardware – an old hardware store turned funky WeHo eatery. The menu here is a gift and a curse in that you want to order everything, whether it’s the kale salad, opulent pork belly, or fungal revelation that is the roasted mushroom pizza. We definitley recommend the signature cocktails, paired with what the restaurant calls “buzz buttons”. Eat this little green bud after taking a sip of your drink and the result is a supercharging of the tongue akin to vigorously rubbing Velcro on it – except it feels good. After more cocktails we crash out by 1am. Next stop: Santa Monica!
DAY FOUR
FIVE-STAR RESORT BUNGALOWS, BAKED MAC & CHEESE, AND A DUDE MAKEOVER
HELLO, ’MONICA!
Saying farewell to Skybar is a harrowing ordeal but it’s all a distant memory 30 minutes later when our limo arrives at Santa Monica’s leafy and luxurious Fairmont Miramar Hotel and Bungalows. After the rock star indulgences of WeHo, a few days relaxing at a beachside locale, in a bungalow big enough to house the entire MAXIM office, should do us some good. The first order of the day is a poolside lunch at Fig, one of the fine places to dine at this quality five-star hotel. Naturally, this is followed by a “Dude Makeover” at Alchemie Spa, a 10-minute bike ride down the road or, as we opt for, along the beach. Biking around Santa Monica is standard and hiring locations are ample. Our pair of wheels is free (all Fairmont guests receive complimentary bike hire daily) and they’re not just any bikes – they’re BMW-made, bitch!
Man spa treatments are popular in LA and the cool Alchemie staff (including the chatty Russian dude massaging Santi’s feet) take us through our top-notch pedicure salt scrub and head and shoulder massage. Revitalised and looking prettier than ever before, a few hours later we decide to stuff our beautiful mugs at The Misfit Restaurant + Bar. The entire menu deserves praise but the standout is the baked mac & cheese, which packs a flavour uppercut (as do the jugs of sangria). Our first night in Santa Monica ends with a classy (and a little blurry) nightcap at The Penthouse. For those who favour sweeping ocean views, decadent cocktails, and the company of good-looking people, this place ticks all these boxes.
DAY FIVE
HOT YOGA, BIKING THE BEACH, FATHER’S OFFICE, SUITE 700, AND THE CURIOUS PALATE
SWEATING OUR YOGA ASS OFF
We can’t be certain if Hot 8 Yoga’s name is a reference to the eighth circle of hell. In hindsight, it’s a challenging and enlightening experience that kick-starts Dan’s day with a jolt. At the time, however, goddamn. Getting up after a night of traditional American cuisine and more beers than is advisable is a struggle at the best of times. Things get exponentially worse when Dan enters a room heated to 400C and with rainforest-level humidity. About halfway through the incredibly sweaty bend-fest, it becomes apparent skipping breakfast (NEVER, EVER attend a hot yoga class unless you’re well-hydrated and have something in your system) is a terrible idea. For beginners who aren’t particularly fit, it’s normal to feel faint (some even pass out or puke) as the session nears its end. Done with the gruelling workout, Dan recovers his breath and actually feels really invigorated. All the while, Santi takes the easy option and goes on a brilliant two-hour biking trek along the ocean to check out neighbouring Venice Beach and Pacific Palisades.
Meanwhile, the day takes yet a more painful turn for Dan, when Wyatt Hicks, the Fairmont Fitness Director, asks if he’s ready for his personal training session. Um… sure! Nice guy that he is, Wyatt is very encouraging and deliberately takes it easy on Dan. He’s even nice enough to educate him about biomechanics but, sadly, Dan finds it hard to hear with all the sweat in his ears. On the plus side, there’s no video evidence of this feeble attempt at beach fitness.
IN SANTA’S LAP
The gargantuan outdoor mall complex, known as Santa Monica Place, is our lunch stop because any energy required for shopping is sapped by the yoga and PT. The Curious Palate uses high-quality, fresh, sustainable, and natural ingredients. And they ain’t shy when it comes to feeding patrons. An array of burgers, Reuben sandwiches, salads, and taco tasting plates are laid before us. Keeping it hospitable, a slew of craft beers are also brought out. It’s some Ancient-Roman-banquet goodness and a welcome change from the AM’s perspiration fest.
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
The Hotel Shangri-La’s Suite 700 bar has a view of the Santa Monica Pier and surrounding coastline that makes it feel like your corneas are receiving the happiest of happy endings. Pair it with a mojito and killer sunset on a balmy night, as we do, and we are living large over a few pre-dinner drinks. Speaking of large, it’s funny what an intense workout does. It gives Dan a sense he’s earned the right to throw dietary guidelines out the window. The place for this is Father’s Office. If not for the plethora of brews, then surely for its iconic burgers – specifically, the Office Burger – and sides that rival the mains, in terms of size and taste. Rowdy college hangout Brick + Mortar is our final port of call – for Fireball cinnamon whisky shots. Zero out of 10 sleep specialists agree it assists in a great night’s rest.
DAY SIX
PADDLEBOARDING, SHOTS, LOBSTER ROLLS, SHOTS, HAPPY HOUR, MORE SHOTS, AND KARAOKE
RIGHT AS RAIN
It would be remiss of us to have a sleep-in when the sun is out and the waves are a short walk from our bungalows. However, today is partly cloudy and raining a little. Still, there’s paddleboarding to enjoy. Since we’re bound to get wet anyway, it seems logical to hit the surf. Led out by our pals at Poseidon Stand Up Paddle Boards, we make our way around the city’s famous pier. Seriously, if you want a hangover cure, try paddleboarding at Santa Monica Beach in the rain – it really is some Zen shit, fellas!
The gloomy weather continues but it takes more than this to stop us from a spot of shopping and a late lunch at beachside eatery, The Water Grill, where local businessmen do deals over seafood meals. The only thing on our agenda is continuing to eat our way through California. Our picks here? Wild Jumbo Mexican White Shrimp Bánh Mì, New England Lobster Roll, and the hefty Banana Chocolate Sundae. Boom!
IGNOBLE GAS
In what is a triumphant realisation for our livers and digestive systems, tonight is our last in Santa Monica. As expected, it will be spent eating and drinking to excess. Happy Hour at The Craftsman is stop #1. Once the stomach is lined – with beer and criminally underpriced cocktails – it dawns upon us that pizza has been gastronomically underrepresented on this trip. As a remedy, we eat approximately 1.5 of them, each, at the outstanding Stella Barra Pizzeria. At this stage, more sensible men than us would now retreat back to the lavish hotel and watch cable TV in the plush bed. F–k that! We’re not going anywhere until the pizza we just smashed threatens to reappear.
The Basement Tavern serves Allagash beer and has a vast assortment of whiskies. Other qualities that endear it to us: 1) Pretty girls drawing murals with chalk in the back room. 2) Cool local live music. 3) Comfy couches. 4) The shot-happy manager, Brad, helping us put away multiple Fireball and Pickleback shooters.
As the old saying we’re about to butcher goes: all roads lead to a dodgy karaoke bar you vomit in, on, and around. An unassuming and welcoming venue, The Gaslite crowd doesn’t care what the f–k you do, so long as you’re having fun doing it. Some patrons do care that unofficial US anthem, “Don’t Stop Believin’”, is being sonically slain (by three drunk Aussie blokes and Santa Monica PR girl, Jackie, who we’ve clearly corrupted), but they dance on regardless, before exiting the venue at 3am – stepping over a spew-stained Santi passed out on the sidewalk. One more for the road, eh, boss?!
And therein lies the beauty of both West Hollywood and Santa Monica. No, not the vomiting. Take away the awesome restaurants and bars and you’re left only with the people: a weird and wonderful bunch who know how to party and want you to join their festivities.
HOW WE GOT THERE
United Airlines flies a daily service from Sydney and Melbourne to Los Angeles. For all reservations and enquiries, please call 131 777 or visit their website: united.com
