CSI: The Bible

God works in mysterious ways – ways that are, according to the Good Book, often covered in blood and intestines. The Old Testament is like a Tarantino movie, except shorter and heaps gorier. Comprising 929 chapters, it features 2,476,633 killings – and if we include the fire and brimstone assault from above on the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God’s decision to send a stern message by wiping out the firstborn children of the Egyptians, the death toll increases to around 25 million.
For fear of being struck down with a severe case of Shark AIDS, we’ve decided to ignore the big fella and his extremely prejudicial brand of justice and instead focused on some of the most brutal criminal cases in the first half of the Holy Bible. Funnily enough, even some 3,000 years ago there was semen at every crime scene. Alright, cue: screaming noise from any song by The Who!

King Eglon, who ruled Moab with an obese fist, loves food. But do you know what he loves even more than that? Torturing Jews. That being said, he has God’s approval, but we’re pretty sure that still doesn’t make it a valid legal defence.
One day, local hero Ehud shows up with a gift from the Jews. Now, we reckon it’s probably a red flag when someone shows up at your doorstep with a gift from people you’ve harshly oppressed for two decades, but maybe Eglon liked to give the benefit of the doubt.
Upon presenting the gift, Ehud tells the king he’d like to share a secret in private. A murder secret, that is! The ruler sends away his guards and Ehud goes into full Godfather mode, whispering in the king’s ear, “I have a word from God for you.” The King gets up so he can hear him better and that’s when Ehud penetrates his gut with his sword. By the time the guards realise, Ehud has already bailed. But he does return later with Israeli backup, who slay thousands of Moab men.

For the full feature and images grab the April 2013 issue of MAXIM, in stores March 20 – April 16, 2013.

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Adrianne Palicki