As he takes his latest stand-up tour, Hubris, across Australia this April, the award-winning Scottish comedian sheds some hilarious light on his last day on earth…
What can audiences expect from your upcoming shows?
Jokes. And just jokes this time. I’ve done four years of emotional wank, where at one point in the show I go serious and play with tension in the room, cashing in on peoples awkwardness. And much like everyone else, I’m bored to f—king death on it. I just want to go back to being funny and upsetting stupid people who I hate.
How do you want to leave this world?
Shooting myself in the head. I’m an absolute wimp when it comes to pain. I don’t want to die slowly or of old age or any of that stuff. I wouldn’t have the grace or decorum to handle it. I’d much rather realise it was my time, take myself out back like an old farm dog and end it as quick as possible over something as small as a broken ankle or a forgotten Playstation Plus password.
What’s your last meal?
Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
Neither. Grow up. But for the sake of the question I’d rather go to Hell. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives hanging out with a bunch of Christians? Singing hymns and not masturbating – what a bleak afterlife. I’d spend every day grabbing Jesus by his bitch-ass beard going, “I thought this place was supposed to be brilliant. Why is my gran here?! She’s young and hot too, you sick twat. Where’s the manager? He’s busy? WHERE?! Not in Syria, I can tell you that.” I’d spend most of it trying to find another way to kill myself.
Would your Jigsaw stand-up material go better in Heaven or Hell?
Hell. No-one in Heaven has a sense of humour. Divorce is a sin, adultery is a sin, sex before marriage is a sin, wanking is a sin, being gay is a sin, being a woman is much closer to being a sin than it is to being considered a person in the Bible, condoms are a sin, tattoos are a sin. My people exist in Hell, so we’d all go down and have an orgy.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
My girlfriend’s sister.
What are your mates saying over your casket?
“Aim for his mouth.”
What’s written on your tombstone?
Graffiti, I imagine.
What are your final/ parting words?
“Legalise it” ■
PHOTOGRAPHED BY TROY EDIGE INTERVIEW BY SANTI PINTADO
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