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Titus O’reily

The Aussie writer, broadcaster, comedian and sports satirist chats about his last day on Earth…

What can audiences expect from your upcoming stand up shows?
A night that honours the true heroes of Australia — those of us that just want to sit on the couch all day and watch sport. Sport is not going to watch itself.

Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand-up gig?
I did a gig at a lunch for a footy club and I was on last. The lunch went long, everyone got drunk and then people had to go. By the time I got up to speak there were three people left in the audience. One was passed out, another on their phone and the last guy got up as I started to have a smoke outside.

Speaking of death, how do you want to leave this world?
I would like to go out doing some heroic deed that saved a lot of lives, but it’s probably going to be liver disease.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Every time someone said, “Are you listening to me?” I wasn’t.

What’s your last meal?
Whisky. It makes every moment better.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
According to Israel Folau I’m going to Hell on numerous counts. And given all the fornicators and drunkards that are going to be there, I’m looking forward to it.

What do you say to the Devil when you get there?
“Do you have Foxtel?”

What quality advice, that you’ve been given in the past, will you take to the grave with you?
Don’t have faith in yourself, have faith in how bad other people are.

During your time on Earth, what was the greatest moment in sport?
Bernard Tomic retiring from a match, citing the heat, when it was 24 degrees.

What’s your greatest achievement during your time on Earth?
I once threw a bit of paper across the office and landed it in the bin with the whole office watching.

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
School. I got nothing out of it except my heaps good grasp of English.

What are your friends saying over your casket?
“Thank god that’s over.”

What or who would you like to be reincarnated as?
An Australian Senator. No other job pays so well but delivers so little.

What’s written on your tombstone?
“This Tombstone intentionally left blank.”

Got any last words?
Sorry to have bothered you. ■


Titus O’Reily is touring nationally — for info go to His new book Please, Gamble Irresponsibly: The Rise, Fall And Rise Of Sport Gambling In Australia is due for release on November 5 and available for pre-order now

For the full article grab the October 2019 issue of MAXIM Australia from newsagents and convenience locations. Subscribe here.

Nyla Fuller

Bright Lights, Big City